literature

What I Am [Lithuania x Asexual!Reader]

Deviation Actions

inkystardust's avatar
By
Published:
4.2K Views

Literature Text

   At first, everything had been fine.

    College life had been going smoothly, you'd been making plenty of friends, and you had still managed to keep your grades high enough to pass with your professors congratulating you for making it through the first semester.


    "Feliks, you know that's not going to work! They're always so busy, and I don't know if they even likes me-"

    The blonde that had been tugging at the stuttering man stopped momentarily to turn and roll his eyes at his friend. "Oh, shut up Toris, you know they do! You two have been crushing on each other since the moment you were introduced--just man up already!"

    The Lithuanian sighed and peered around his friend to look towards the group of students that were standing in the commons, passing time until their next class started. It only took him a moment to spot you--mouth tugged into the bright grin that was always on your face, eyes wide with curiosity, and the giggle that floated across the room could never be mistaken for anyone else.

    Feliks noticed the longing glance he gave you as he looked across the room, and nudged him with his shoulder. "Come on, you've been wanting to do this since you met them." He smirked at him slyly. "You've got to do it sometime or another, T. Better now than before someone else gets them."

    His grin grew wider when he saw Toris' mouth set into a firm line, a determined look coming upon his face.

    "Alright, fine." He turned to the Polish man, his face already red despite not having taken even one step closer to the one he admired so much. "But if I get rejected, I'm never going to forgive you." Feliks only smirked once again, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder.

    "How could a sweet person like ____ reject a cutie like you?" Before Toris could say anything else, he was shoved towards your group. "Go on, you're wasting time!"

    With a trifle amount of courage he had left, even with Feliks' (only slightly) encouraging words, he strode towards your group. You'd just finished talking to the girl next to you, sending them a sweet smile and wave as they walked off. This was his chance--he quickly made his way over, making sure to catch your attention before anyone else could.

    "____!"

    You turned, smiling brightly when you saw who'd called your name. "Toris, it's been awhile!" You immediately pulled him into a friendly hug, to which he was happy to return. The two of you had been friends since the school year had started, but lately things had been stressful and finals took away all the time you would normally use to be with each other.

    "How have you been?" Your wide, excited eyes always made his heart seem to stop functioning, and your eyes--oh, don't get him started on your eyes. To him, they revealed the secrets of the universe when willing to.

    "I actually have something to talk to you about," he nearly stuttered out. No, he couldn't let his nerves take him over--he could do this! He glanced around, just realizing how many eyes had been trained on the two of you since he'd walked up. "Alone, if you don't mind."

    A few stifled giggles were heard, and you quickly turned around to hush them, face already a bright pink. "Of course!"

    You cast one last glance at the group of friends behind you, all giving you thumbs up. The redness on your face seemed as if it couldn't become a shade darker.

    Toris was completely silent when you were finally far away enough to be considered alone. Each time he opened his mouth to speak, it was immediately clamped shut and he seemed to swallow his previous words. Once he finally did speak, his voice was barely audible considering all the chatter around and his words seemed to run together.

    "What was that?" You  stepped closer in hopes of being able to hear him. He repeated himself in a mumble; this time you caught a few words but they didn't make any sense when put together. You noticed how flushed his face was, and placed a hand to his forehead.

    "Are you sick? You look like you might have a fever!" Standing like this, with you only half a step away from him with your hand on his forehead, he nearly fainted from the heat rushing to his face.

    "I think I have feelings for you!" He quickly stammered out, not even realizing how out of place it sounded. He glanced down at you, already worried about having said something wrong. And to his complete and utter surprise, you were... smiling?

    "Toris, do you really mean that?" You pulled him into a tight hug, forgetting about your previous questions. To be truthful, you'd always admired him, but it seemed best to keep your distance and have the relationship go no further than being friends, in case he'd only thought of it like that, and no more.

    He was stunned; it was that easy? He should've done this earlier! 

    If the two of you were anywhere else, he probably would have picked you up and spun you around in happiness, but he still had his manners intact and only hugged you back. From afar, Feliks was smirking, along with the other two that completed Toris' foreign trio, Eduard and Raivis.

    "I can't believe you finally got him to do it!" Eduard mused, smiling fondly when the two of you exchanged an awkward--and exceptionally cute--hug before parting ways to your separate classes. Raivis nodded; this had been plaguing Toris for some time, so it was a huge surprise when they heard word from Feliks that Toris was going to confess that day. They hadn't believed him, of course, but after being brought here they both felt pride swell in their chests at seeing their friend finally confess to the one he loved.

    "I'm definitely proud of him," Feliks murmured softly. "It looks like he's finally doing what he wants."

    But even through all of this, it wasn't hard for anything to cause you to spiral downwards.


    "And of course, you all know what these urges feel like." The woman at the front of the class smiled, while the class laughed collectively. You, meanwhile, were frowning slightly. 

    Sex Ed was required for those who were taking their first year in college, even though everyone knew perfectly well that everyone had taken this same class in high school. It didn't bother you; it was definitely helpful for some people, you understood. You, however, had started to get confused near the middle of the lecture she had been giving less than an hour ago. 

    All the things she was talking about... the other students seemed to giggle and nudge each other knowingly when she talked about sex and raging hormones and such, but you didn't relate to the topic like everyone else. It just didn't feel right; it brought up feelings that you'd tried to push to the back of your mind for years.

    As soon as she started talking about how it was normal to be feeling things like this--at this mention, nearly everyone in the room rolled their eyes; they weren't fourteen-year-olds, they understood it was normal--you excused yourself for the restroom. When you shut the stall door and sat down, the pit in your stomach that had slowly been building over the course of the lecture solidified.

    Your breath caught, and you could already feel the itch coming up your throat. Something was wrong with you. It wasn't normal for other people to feel like you did. Your eyes were starting to burn now; this wasn't anything to get emotional about, so you were being absolutely ridiculous for wanting to cry. 

    Your fingernails were digging into the skin of your palm as you tried to hold back a choked sob, and managed to keep it in with a minimum sniffle and deep inhaled breath. 

    When you arrived back in class a few minutes later, the only evidence left from what you'd been experiencing earlier were the thin red veins at the corner of your eyes that signaled you'd been crying, but no one seemed to notice.

    It had taken Toris less than forty seconds to figure out that you'd been crying earlier when you walked into his dorm later that night. 

    "My eyes are itchy; there's way too much pollen floating around this time of year..." You insisted, rubbing your eye for extra effect as you flopped down on his couch and clicked on the television. He put his hands on his hips, lips pursed as he stared at you from the doorway of his bedroom.

    "I've known you long enough that you don't have allergies, ____." He sighed, walking over to your spot on the couch and kneeling in front of you. Despite not getting any reaction besides you craning your neck to get a better view of the show by looking around him, he continued to speak. 

    "Something's wrong. Anyways," he raised his eyebrows and gestured behind him, "you've complained about this show way too many times to fool me into thinking you're actually watching this." With a defeated sigh you threw your head back to hit it against the material of the couch and clicked the power button, the room now silent. 

    "Yeah, something's wrong," you finally murmured. Toris looked at you expectantly, but in a manner that wasn't pressuring you to answer immediately. You pushed yourself up with your elbows until you were sitting up normally and absentmindedly brushed your thumb over Toris' hand a few times to calm yourself. This wasn't anything to worry about—right?

    "I..." You attempted to start a sentence; anything to get the conversation going. But you couldn't think. How could you talk to Toris about something like this? He probably wouldn't understand anyways.

    Noticing your distant gaze as you thought, Toris cleared his throat. You snapped your attention back to him, while you were still trying to figure out a way to form a complete sentence.

    "I want to know what's wrong," he firmly stated. But as you looked into his eyes, you saw the concern overruling his stern tone. Just at this look, the walls you'd worked so hard building up before arriving crumbled.

    "Everything is wrong, Toris." 

    You clenched your teeth at the pathetic tone and petty words you'd just used. You sure as hell weren't pathetic, and the last thing you wanted to do as come off as pitiful to your boyfriend. 

    "Start from the beginning." His eyebrows were drawn together, not in pity or disgust like you nearly expected after previous experience, but of disquietude. Pure, unadulterated concern was written over his face with nothing to hide. No judgement or annoyance.

    With a labored breath, you started just as he requested.

    You'd noticed things changing during high school. People were acting... different. Especially around each other. The girls would giggle and point to a boy at the back of the class, one who was usually at the top of the social rank in the school. Boys started to stare more at girls' behinds and chests rather than at their faces when speaking to them. It all confused you, terribly.

    Then came the talk that every high schooler got some way or another from their parents. When your mother explained it to you, nothing added up. She said it was okay for you to feel that way, a lot of other kids felt the same way, but how come those feelings never changed over the next couple of years?

    You'd heard countless stories of your friends 'finally getting to third and fourth base', while you still struggled to understand your unusual feelings about the topic. Each time you approached someone about it, going so far as to ask your school nurse about it, they only directed you towards the answer of it being completely normal and that you'd warm up to the idea once you got older. 

    If this were anything else, you would have just nodded and forgotten about it. But this was something that had stricken a chord in you, something you couldn't just let go. 

    As the years of high school passed, you grew even more confused and withdrawn. You no longer felt normal, compared to how everyone else talked with their experiences, and had no idea how to tell anyone what you were feeling. By your final year of high school you had decided you wouldn't speak of it, and avoid any question of it. No one ever asked, anyways, so it wasn't that much of a problem to get by. This was around the time you'd met Toris.

    College had started, you'd met during a class, and soon you two became good friends, even going so far as developing feelings for each other. To say you hadn't had crushes on previous classmates before would be a lie, but Toris wasn't just that, he was your friend. Even after the two of you had started dating, he made no move to ask or do anything suggestive, and it had confused you.

    You'd been raised up to believe that men had a neverending sex drive and weren't afraid to show it, but he seemed to contradict all of that. And if you were being completely honest, it scared you. It was something that you weren't used to, much like your feelings toward intimacy, and that didn't seem right. 

    By the time you'd finished speaking, your mouth was dry and you couldn't think of anything else besides what Toris' reaction would be. As you looked over to gauge his expression, you were surprised to see that it hadn't changed much from when you'd started to speak, a concentrated look on his face as he took everything in. He let out a breath out of his nose and shook his head slightly with a small smile.

    "I think... I might have an idea about what's going on." He looked up at you, the smile softening. "If you gave me a bit more information, I think I'd be able to give you an idea of what I'm thinking."

    "Asexual?"

    "Yeah," he nodded, giving you an encouraging squeeze of the hand, "from what you've told me, that seems to be the answer." Once you thought back on it, it did seem to make sense. He'd even showed you a few webpages about it that you'd never even known about, and he was right, everything seemed to match up. There was an entire support network that had been only a few clicks away, and you'd never even known.

    "Wow," you breathed, leaning back into the smooth corduroy fabric of the sofa. "I can't believe it. There's a word for that." 

    Toris looked over at you and grinned, his head leaning in his hand. "You know, there's even more words for a lot of other things. There's an entire center of people outside of the straight community, all supportive of each other. LGBTQ, and a bunch of other abbreviations. There's so many people out there you'd never guess weren't straight or cisgender." You looked back, eyebrows raised.

    "You sure know quite a bit about all of this, Toris. I'm actually pretty proud of you." He let out an embarrassed, noncommittal noise and looked away, cheeks pink and a small grin on his face.

    "It's important, ____, to know about these things. It's important to support everyone that doesn't fit in with society's immediate view of what's acceptable. I mean," he paused, scratching his cheek to avoid making direct eye contact, "I'm demisexual, myself." 

    "I may not know exactly what that means," you started slowly, "but I'm so, so proud of you. And thankful, very thankful." Your hand went over his, and once he looked up again both of you shared a smile. 

    "I'm thankful that you've accepted me for who I am."
// sCREAMS I FINALLY FINISHED THIS OH MY GOSH

So, I've been working on this for quite a few months. And by quite a few, I mean it's probably been at least over half a year by now. And omg, am I so happy that I've finally got this done. 
I know it's been over three months since I've written anything and that you're all probably still adjusting to me adding art onto my account, but I hope everyone's been happy with all of the changes and stuff that's been going on. 

Anyways, this was a gift for Miistical that happened a long time ago and I promised that I'd finish, and I really, really hope that this lived up to how she'd hoped. I dunno about you, but the ending seemed a bit iffy. Then again, that was the part that I had stopped on and literally just finished after six months or so. 
I can't wait to get writing again, now that I feel as though I've pushed past that horrible writing block now that I've finished. I'm going to start school on the 8th of August, so once I start I'm not going to be active as much (or active even more since school brings up my activity usually, lmao) so I'll try and get a few drafts before then. 

ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT: I don't intend for the reader to sound ignorant or rude when talking about anything, especially during the conversation about sexualities. I know not everyone who reads this doesn't know what asexuality is, but I know that a lot of people, some even know are in the LGBTQA+ community who don't know what asexuality is. I wanted to perceive this as a reader who didn't know about it, and as someone who can safely come into the community without any misunderstandings or prejudices of any kind.

And please, please. If you don't agree with any of this, or anything in the LGBTQA+ community, do not leave any type of comment below.

Thank you guys so much for reading, and I'll see you next time! 

Lithuania, Poland, the Baltics and Hetalia all belong to Hidekaz Himaruya.
You - the reader - belong to you.
Story and its ideas belong to me, InkyStardust.
© 2015 - 2024 inkystardust
Comments38
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
FemPortugal's avatar
I am ace and it made me so happy that there was a word for what i was feeling. Honestly. Words are extremely powerful.