literature

an open letter

Deviation Actions

Published: Jan 29, 2017

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Literature Text

hi mom
i'm sorry
i think for a while you've been disappointed
not to my face, you're too kind to do that
it's quieter, observing
waiting for me to say something
i've been better, usually
recently iris and i broke up and i talked with you about it
i changed my mind
i miss her
i know you didn't expect any of this when you held me sixteen years ago
when i weighed only six pounds and my whole hand could barely fit around one of your fingers
i know you didn't expect your baby to want to kill herself
i don't know what to do
i'm not doing much better anymore

hi rachel
thank you
i feel selfish for contacting you only when i need help, you deserve better than to be just used as a therapist
but thank you, your words and that phone call last week helped
you helped me get over iris
for a time, i guess, but it helped
thank you
i love you, just so you know
thank you

hi kendall
jesus christ what happened
a lot of people have fucked me up but shit your name always ends up engraved on that golden trophy congratulations here's a cake
what happened to us
i’ve made the mistake of falling in love with my best friends twice even after what happened with us
do i just never learn or am i still just trying to fill that gaping hole where you had made a home out of my heart
or i guess not a hole since i stuck various books and songs and razors in it to take up that space
it's more like glass that i tried to glue back together
it's certainly not pretty, there's not much inside of myself that you could call pretty
if you like dead flowers that counts, i guess
maybe you could call that spot a graveyard
or a museum
i've created a memorial out of my heart so i can keep the good and awful memories alive
on nights like this when i'm still awake at 4 am i sometimes replay those memories
oftentimes the good ones come first
they usually end when i remember last year when i saw you for the first time since i had kissed you all those years ago
and then i told you that i had wanted to die and that i had hurt myself
everything kind of suddenly stopped after that

hi zack and charlie
i love you both very much
i know i get emotional a lot and i'm sometimes tempermental
i know i'm not usually a good sister and i'm sorry
i get sad a lot for no reason and sometimes i say the wrong things
things that aren't right
and i'm sorry
i love you both so so much
please don't ever grow up or fall in love ple a s e
thank you for loving me

hi nick
i want to stop thinking about you jesus christ i hated you for a long time
i don't feel anything about or for you anymore
you still love me and now i understand how that feels
oh man do i know how that feels
we both love too much
that's why we didn't work, i guess
we were just two sad kids with empty hearts that tried to love too much too quickly
i'm sorry
you were the first of too many people i have hurt
i'm sorry

hi haley
i love you
thank you
god, thank you for being in my life for nearly thirteen years
i've known you longer than my own father
that's not saying much but
anyways
we used to fight as much as we took breaths
it got better once i moved away and you became even more of a best friend, more of a sister than i could ever imagine
i know i'm uncertain about a lot of things
neither of us are very happy
i was supposed to be your sunshine, you've always relied on my optimism like oxygen and your tank is running low
i’m stuck between lying or telling too much of the truth
thank you i love you make sure to tell your mom i said hi also i think i want to just fade away oh yeah and can i borrow your calc notes

hi dad
why did you leave mom and i
why were we not enough
i know if you'd stayed i'd never have zack or charlie but
why can't i love you

hi iris
i'm sorry
i don't think i'm meant for relationships and this was just more proof of that
i loved you, i really, /really/ loved you, but i think that was part of my problem
you didn't love me like i did you and i expected too much in return
you gave me an inch and i took a galaxy, i should have let you be
i loved you and i'm sorry